My Most Recent Lie

So those that know me should know I'm so done having babies. After Anna was born, I gave away everything....a crib, Baby Bjorn, bouncy seats, megasaucers....everything! My two under two were a handful and I wasn't about to have another one, EVER. Well, of course, as the months went on and they turned into years, my tune has started to change. If someone asks if we are having another baby (why, dear God is it anyone's business?) I usually respond with "not today."

We've always kept a few things around "just in case." The crib still sits in the basement. The baby bathtub sits on a spare shelf and somehow I've managed to keep a few things here and there. Even a pack of diapers I was ready to pass along to a friend, suddenly has taken up residence in my dining room "just in case," my husband says.

This week I listed my pristine, almost unused, Pack n' Play on Craigslist in an attempt to free up space in my basement. The potential buyer asked for a picture. As I opened it up and saw how unused it was (why did I open it?) I started to have baby pangs. Even Andrew looked up from the morning paper and sighed. I was having doubt. How could sell this? What if I needed it one more time?

My chorus continued with Alex bursting from the breakfast table, "That's where my new baby brother will sleep." Anna echoes in with "No, my baby sister will sleep here."

Oh no, how do I tell both there is no baby brother or sister....not yet anyway.

After going over it all in my head, I lied to the family interested in the Pack n' Play. "It's broken," I told them. "I opened it to look it over and my youngest jumped in it and broke it. Sorry, I can't sell it to you." This was the scariest lie in a long while I've had to tell. Scary because it's admitting that I have doubts about being done, and maybe wanting another at some point. Somehow it seems by getting rid of the baby stuff it then will free you from the obligation to "make the choice." We have no baby stuff why should we have another. But if you have a crib, a carseat or a few clothes around, then there is that thread of possibility and maybe even hope left.

Well, we now are proud continuing owners of a Graco Pack n' Play that may one day host another baby, maybe . . . one day, but not today.